Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Just us 3 with acoustic guitars, a drum, and a voice.

Let me paint a picture for you to start... So, we have been asked to lead groups in worship or perform songs or share... things like that many times since we arrived in brazil. Most every time, we will get up in front and I wont really give it my all, I hold back and I don't allow myself to truly worship, I get timid and start to feel afraid of what people think, or "can my voice do it?", basically I begin to question the power of God. And every time we go up do it, Evan always reminds me "Do it for God, don't care what people think, God has given you the gift of music and leading, Just do it, be bold!" And some of the time, i take what he says to heart, and I really focus on letting the spirit lead me.....So that kinda paints the picture for you.

Last night, as we were walking home last night from the bus stop and the 3 of us had been in conversation about music and worship and what God is doing with the group in that area. Andrew ran ahead to talk with Kenner and I stayed back to continue talking with Evan. He started asking me questions about why I tend to hold back and what I really thought the cause of it was. I didn't really know what to say, however I began to respond. Sometimes you just have to talk about something out loud to begin to understand, atleast I know God works in me that way sometimes. I began talking about Zayin and how singing with them, it was different for me, there were loud electric guitars, heavy drums and bass, and so the vocals were not really the driving instrument in the songs, everything pretty much played an equal role. So, even though I was the frontman for Zayin, I wasn't REALLY the front man (you know what i mean?). Since we've been here, there have been no electric guitars and heavy metal drums, just us 3 with acoustic guitars, a drum, and a voice. In this setting, the voice becomes more of an upfront instrument and everything tends to become a backdrop. This is new for me, so I'm almost having to relearn how it all works. So, when would play and worship, I would tend to hold back from the full potential God has given me as a vocalist. I explained that I didn't want to be a distraction with my voice, I didn't want to take away from the worship and the real reason we were there, because I was singing too loud or too out front. But as I was talking to Evan, God began to show me truly what was going on in my heart. I was basically 85% committed to being spirit lead during worship, and about %15 still holding on to insecurities and wanting to be the leader (Not allowing God to do it through me). It was really good to get that out, because it was something I hadn't really understood till that moment. So God, through that conversation with Evan, told me that I need to give him that %15. If I trust him completely with worship and leading and sharing, if I am attentive to his voice, he will guide me.

So thats what's been on my heart for the last few weeks being in Brazil. thats all!


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